The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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