I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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