Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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