I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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