On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
