just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
