Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
