He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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