i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize