dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
