my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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