and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
