Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
