You can't special order awesome
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
