i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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