so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
