I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
