is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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