I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
