There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
