im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
