i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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