Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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