He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
