I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
