I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize