exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
