woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
