she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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