glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
