he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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