Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
