arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
