I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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