Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
