a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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