It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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