I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
