Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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