I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize