I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
