Apparently you make a good broom.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
