I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize