It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
