i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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