so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
