I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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