My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
