He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
