There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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