I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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