You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
