Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
