I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
