I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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