ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
