My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
