where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
