people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
