Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
