Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
