I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
