I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
